Jenny Qi, Ph.D.

Writer & Scientist

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I feel like I need to acknowledge that today is my mom's death day. I've never developed a real ritual around it, other than sitting around being sad, and also guilty for both publicly posting or not posting about it. It was very exhausting but honestly feels appropriate given how sad and guilt-ridden and serious we both were as people. But I'm finally reaching some point of not being quite so serious about it/everything all the time, and that feels like progress. Here's a sort of funny photo of us from my first time at Disneyland when I was 10ish, where I'm so visibly uncomfortable next to the Disney worker dressed in this hot AF character suit. I'd reached the age where everything made me uncomfortable, and I'd just gone to this school in a rough part of town where it wasn't cool to be enthusiastic about anything, and I internalized that so hard. Sorry Mom, I was not an easy pre-teen. I still don't have a real ritual for death days other than rememberance, but this weekend I spent time in nature, did some yoga and other exercise, ran some necessary and productive errands, and read a bunch of poems. And I took a nap and had a really bonkers dream and laughed.

One of my goals for 2020 is to go on more outdoor & animal (micro-)adventures because those are the times when I feel most at peace, and Feb has been ok. 1-5. Point Reyes 6-7. Presidio 8-9. Fort Mason

My new job has been so busy, & I worry about finding time to do everything. I'm always hyperaware of how short life is and how much work there is to be done (outside of my day job). I'm trying to remind myself of how much can change in a few years. -- Throwback to my very first poetry workshop/conference in 2012, The Healing Art of Writing. I had just started grad school and joined my thesis lab. My lungs were still healthy, unscarred by pneumonia. I had taken creative writing classes in college, but I wasn't anywhere near being a serious writer at that point, just desperate for an outlet for my still very new grief. I wouldn't go to another writing workshop until after I graduated, but this awakened something in me. -- I'll always be grateful to David Watts for pushing me (back) towards poetry. Also to this whole beautiful group, especially @francescabellpoet for being such a positive & encouraging poetic force. (I waited for her stunning book Bright Stain since that workshop, and I'm so happy it's now in the world & on my shelf.)

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